Addicted to the 'Needle'... or, trying not to be.

29 years old and I have a kitchen cabinet full of Prescriptions, Insulin Pen needles, Testing Pen lancets, Test strips and daily vitamin supplements. I'm staring at them in amazement and wondering what the hell other women my age have in their cabinets. Bottles of wine? Special wine glasses? Maybe a few vitamin bottles or two. Contact lens solution? Imagine that kind of paradise... Well, because, that is my idea of paradise right about now.

It's nearing 6:51pm and I'm getting ready to make dinner, but Lord knows what I can have that won't make my blood sugar skyrocket. Luckily, I now have the trusty Calorie King book my nutritionist gave me on my last appointment, to help my count my Carbs and decide. When, in reality, all I am craving right now is a nice little basket of Buffalo Wild Wings. Hmm.. I wonder if they're listed in my book? They probably are, and I probably would have to pump 5 units of Insulin in to cover the carbs that only 1 little bitty wing contains.

Currently, I'm cursed with taking 2 types of shots of Insulin at several times of the day. 1. An extended release type of Insulin that I take once in the morning (20 units) and once at night before bedtime (90 units). The other type if a more rapid release form that I take right before each meal. Those dosages are decided by what my blood sugar number is prior to eating and according to what I will be putting into my mouth during that meal. Yes, I have to plan ahead of time what I will be eating and making sure I'm pumping myself enough Insulin in order to cover whatever I eat. So, let's see. I'm pricking myself an average of 5 times a day with syringes. And, that's not counting whatever snacks I may have, which leads to more Insulin.

Now, on top of that, I am to be testing myself with a needle before and after each meal and keeping record. Welcome to the Life of a Severe Diabetic.

This is not where I imagined I would be a year ago when I had just been prescribed a few shots of extended release Insulin. No big deal. But, unfortunately, it's gotten worse. As my Nutritionist put it, "you are a case of Mature Onset Diabetes at a Young Adult age" In other words, "you have the severity of Diabetes like that of a 60 year old.." Lovely, isn't it?

So, no, kids are NOT an option right now, in case you were wondering. I think that's something much of my family does not understand, since I get plagued with that question every time I see them. I get cornered as I 'ooh' and 'awww' over pictures of friends babies and get interrogated, "so, when are you gonna have babies? you're not getting any younger... what's taking you so long? what are you waiting for?" I can only flash the bravest smile I can cook up within that second the sting hits my face and just answer sheepishly, "oh, we're not ready yet..." I can't bare to look them in the face and confess, "well, ya see, my numbers are all over the place. I may possibly be sterile. Or there's already some Liver damage so, who knows if I'll make it through an entire pregnancy..." What a shock that would bring, huh?

Nick gently holds my hand, rubs my neck or gives me a little nudge, acknowledging the uncomfortable moment that I pass. He knows how hard it is for me to sit there and take the questions in and give some type of answer back. This isn't something I had been planning for on my Wedding day.

The rest of my medications are fillers for whatever other ailments that Diabetes brings on. You know, one for the Cholesterol, one for this, one for that. And it's a pill party.

I'm tired of the needles. I'm sick of pricking my finger 10x's a day. My two test fingers are black and blue from all the pricking. Sometimes it even hurts to tap it on the table or to even hold things for too long. The carb counting is exhausting. If I want to make a Denver Omelet, I have to take into account the eggs, how many, the ham, the vegetables and how many carbs each one totals. Then, figure out how many units I get to inject myself with to cover it all. Oh, and let's not forget the measuring cups/spoons! Gotta do that as well.

This battle has been going on for so long, I don't think I can remember a time when I didn't worry about my drink being diet. I never got to gorge on candy as a kid or raid my trick or treat bag after going. When I was diagnosed at 12, I was just looked upon as some weird animal back then. It wasn't really heard of. And, there wasn't much information out there to help me out. And, of course, to make it even better, no one could figure out which type I was. 1 or 2. Children s Memorial Hospital and Loyola University Hospital had their hands on me for a week full of tests and exams and all I got was a huge hospital stay bill, a 'sorry we can't figure out what you are, but we're not giving you insulin', and 'how about you just lose some weight and lay off anything not diet'. That was it.

Now, I am where I am.

I have been trying for so long to avoid anything starchy. No potatoes. No bread. No rice. No pasta. What else is there to eat?!

Now, I'm told not too many vegetables. Seriously?!?!

And, how about this one... I started working out everyday again. What do they tell me, "be careful how you work out b/c it's quite possible you could pass out mid workout" Gee...thanks for the encouragement to get healthy.

Everything is so difficult and I'm just trying to do the best I can. God knows I've lost my patience. I think I sit down to cry at least once a day. Sometimes I feel like I've failed my body. Like I've let it down to come to the state its in right now. And then, there are the moments where I just get so angry. Why? It's not fair. At all. I don't do drugs. I don't overeat. I don't drink heavily/or go binge drinking. I hardly drink at all. I only started to drink more socially when I moved up here to the Northern Suburbs, but that's a whole other story altogether. The point is, I try. I really do. I look at every label when I shop. I think I spend an average of 2 hours at the store because of that.

Still, the anger and the frustrations is there but I'm trying so hard not to let it show. I try to smile everyday. I say 'hello' and 'thank you' wholeheartedly and am sincere when I tell everyone I see on a daily basis that I hope they have a great day. I'm trying so hard to keep the two fragile sticks that are holding up my smile from giving way to a permanent frown. I pray that the next time I come out of one of my doctors offices, it will be with some good news instead of an instant pang to just jump in my car and burst into tears. Each time I go in for my blood work every 3 months, I shiver and get flustered. I start to joke nervously with the nurse and just say a little prayer as she sticks the needle into my veins.

I'm tired of draining our checking account with my monthly $150 in prescriptions/Diabetic supplies. Thank you health insurance. I love you so much. I don't how I lived all those years without you before. Seriously... I think without, my monthly needs would be close to $900 a month. Still, I feel so guilty. I feel like I'm wasting money on myself. As if, I should have taken so much better care of myself previously, so we wouldn't have to be in this position to have to spend it on this now.

Food. What used to be my only comfort in the past, is now my enemy. I can't run to that beautiful little burger when I have a bad day. I can't munch on popcorn for lunch. Fast food is so not even an option anymore. My thoughts are just consumed every second about this.

I had made myself a goal a couple of months back and I'm trying to stick to. It's the reason I named this Blog Chasing Coco and Di.

Since I learned about who Coco Chanel was when I was young, I have always wanted to own one of her staples. A beautiful Coco Chanel purse. I've had opportunities to get one, but just always felt like I couldn't get it. Something always stopped me. Every year, I save up my money to give myself my treat and buy it when we go to our convention in Las Vegas, but I always back out. Like I said, something stops me.

Now, I think I know why. Nick made me a promise that I am trying so hard to achieve. If/when I do lose my goal weight, I will hopefully be taken off my Insulin shots and much of my medications. With that in mind, Nick has promised me that he would take me to my favorite city in this world, Paris, to finally achieve my biggest dream: to purchase my beloved CHANEL purse from the House of Chanel, where it all began.

I've been saving up every month and I have it set already. The money is waiting for me to just hold up my end of the bargain. I could finally feel like I truly deserve it. I would achieve two of my biggest dreams: getting my CHANEL purse AND conquering Diabetes, once and for all.

So, there is my challenge everyone.

I am stumbling so much on this journey, but I keep catching myself and keep going forward. I know this is the hardest challenge in my life. But, I have my loving husband, my family, my friends and my spirituality helping me along the way.

I know there are going to be so many roadblocks, but I'm willing to jump over the hurdles as best as possible.