Lately, my sugar levels have been somewhat tolerable.
My body's been slowly getting used to the addition of the Humalog (Instant Lowering Insulin) that my Endocrinologist put me on a couple of weeks ago. At first, I had only been on Levemir, which is an Extended Release form of Insulin that works its way through the bloodstream over a 24 hour period. It was being taken at 20 units in the morning and then 90 at night, before bedtime. Also, I was taking Janumet, which is a oral medication that is a combination of Januvia and Metaformin. A hybrid if you will. The purpose of the pill is to help 'motivate' the pancreas, into making more insulin to be released into your body to combat sugars. I was taking this pill twice a day.
Well, the doctor had not seen that big of an improvement (my numbers were ranging from 150-80. Normal is 90-120), so he decided to take me of the Janumet and initiated the Humalog. Rapid release Insulin. Spectacular. And let me just tell you, I say that with utter sarcasm.
Why? What people don't know/realize is that, Insulin, although being a lifesaver in reducing sugars in the body, also causes a little backlash to your system. You may be lowering your sugar levels, but the incoming insulin motivates the body to hold onto whatever you are taking in as nutrients that much more. It feeds off of whatever is in you. Therefore, it retains much more of the carbs, proteins and fats that you're taking in. Thus, this leads to weight gain. It almost seems like a farmer injecting the cow with all types of stuff to make them fatter. Great, I'm a bovine!
So, with the increase of Insulin intake, comes the fear of gaining weight and making it that much harder to lose it. So, I have two battles. Making my sugars stay at a certain level, but also making my body's Insulin Resistance become nonexistent. Therefore, you cut to me sitting in my kitchen trying to decide what to make for breakfast, knowing that very well, I'll need to work extra harder that day just to hopefully burn off what my body is gaining anyways. Even if it is just a boiled egg. *merp*
Insulin is such a Catch 22 scenario. I love it so.
Well, the week that I had started on the Instant Release insulin, my body was not taking it very well whatsoever. It pretty much hated me. My numbers did the exact opposite. They started to skyrocket above 200. For 4 days, the numbers never wanted to come down. And I was eating very little. Close to nothing honestly. My nerves were still shocked from the appointments with my doctors that week and I was in constant monitoring mode trying to determine when my sugar would finally make a dip under 200. My eyes were red and sore from so much crying that week. My workouts were coming along, but they weren't helping at all. Finally, that Friday, Nick decided to work from home and I think it was fate that made him do that.
I was pretty useless that day. I didn't want to eat. I couldn't bare to move and do anything. I was unproductive and just felt the need to lay down constantly. My mood dipped and I never felt more melancholy like then. I was giving up. I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong and I felt like an utter failure. Ultimately, I started getting dizzy and feeling more and more sick than before. Nick was close to taking me in to the ER when I tested my sugar and it read 315. What was going on?!!?
We called my Endocrinologist and after much talking and speculation, he put me back on 1 Janumet dose. From that point on, everything seemed to start working. It gave me hope. I felt like it restored some faith into my body. That one Janumet pill meant that my Pancreas was not completely dead and unable to produce its own Insulin. Which made me finally believe, "I can do this... I can reverse this..."
It's been 3 weeks now and my next appointment is March 23rd. Nick is actually going to be attending this visit with me. He'll finally meet one of the 'other men' in my life. I say that, because I see him and my General Practitioner on a monthly basis. Both my doctor's receptionists know who I am whenever I walk through their doors. They instantly greet me by my first name and big smiles. Maybe it's because I constantly go in there with smiles, conversation and a good mood to get them going, but it's just a generally welcoming and relieving feeling to get that kind of reaction when you're walking into that nerving of an environment.
My diet lately has consisted of lots of lean meats, fish and under 5g of carbs per serving vegetables. Dairy has also been added in there a lot. The carbs in food affects the Insulin dosage that I give myself before meals. I count how many carbs are in each element of the meal, add them up and do a little math formula to get the number of units I need to cover myself and not let my numbers skyrocket. Eating out is my biggest problem. As a result, Nick and I have been mostly eating in. I mostly cook. My poor husband must be so tired of turkey burgers, chicken and salad. But, I love him so much for being my right hand.
My weight has unfortunately been fluctuating for days. It goes up and down but with no real loss or gain. It's quite frustrating to get on the scale after days of eating extremely light and many workouts, only to see no results. Insulin, you're such a shady lady!
We purchased our tickets for Vegas in June, so I will be making my yearly pilgrimage to the Chanel boutiques to browse, but hopefully, this time with a purpose in mind? I want to pick out the RIGHT bag that I will cherish for life. I'll be channeling Mademoiselle Coco's utter fabulousness for some inspiration into which is my 'baby' to someday take home when I visit Paris.
I'm also looking into start running. Not just on a treadmill, but outdoors. I've never been a runner/jogger. I get out of breath easily. Sorry, I was always the last one to finish those damn Presidential Fitness challenges in grade school. How embarrassing, I know! But, it's something I have always wanted to do. I just don't know how to start on the right foot though. No pun intended. The weather is becoming warmer and its a perfect time to start getting reacquainted with mother nature again.
Till next time...Here's something to Chew on. Or maybe not:
Think that Crispy Chicken Sandwich from McDonald's is a better choice than getting a Quarter Pounder With Cheese? Thank again. According to my Calorie King book, it contains 530 Calories, 20 grams of Fat and 59 grams of Carbs. Whereas, a QP contains 410 Calories, 19 grams of Fat and 37 grams of Carbs. Either way, they're both not good for you!
In my world though, I'll give you this calculation: that Chicken Sandwich would lead me to the need of taking 19-20 units of Insulin to cover it. Normally, right now, on a low carb diet, I usually only take about 2-3 units per meal. Remember, the more Insulin, the more resistance the body builds. As for the QP, I would need 12-13 units!
Scary.. And a normal person's calorie intake per day should be close to 1500 calories I believe? Hmm... Hold the fries, please!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Fridays just turned into my Treat Day!
As an extra incentive, I have decided that Fridays will now be my official 'Treat Day.'
I usually start out my Friday by running to the gym to catch my 8:30am Zumba class. For those who don't know, Zumba is an aerobic style dance class that combines salsa, merengue, cumbia, reggaeton, calypso, soca, samba, African, cha cha, hip hop and other types of music. It's a fast paced dance class that seriously gets your heart pumping and moving within the first few minutes of the class. You start out with a good 3-5 minute warm up and then, the instructor begins a series of different routines according to whatever her playlist has going next.
Now, as many of you may know, I think I was the only hispanic person on the face of this earth, who was born without any rhythm. No, seriously, I don't salsa. I don't merengue or mambo. It's kind of sad, but thankfully, that wasn't a requirement my dear husband was looking for in a wife when he decided to make me his wife! Ha ha. Thank god for that!
Well, over the past couple of years since I discovered this little gem of a workout, I have fallen in love, hard, with it! And, I actually now have rhythm!! I can shake my booty and move my hips with, well, the other members of the class. I am in no way ready to go enter a dance contest or even go dance at club, BUT, I do feel very limber and able to say that I DO have some rhythm... MAJOR emphasis on the 'some.'
Usually, after the wonderful 1 hour workout, (did I forget to mention you burn about 700 calories in one class session), I make a beeline for the amazing 'Spa' amenities that my gym has. I call it a 'Spa' because its the closest thing to a Spa I will ever go to, because lord knows I refuse to spend that amount of money for a day of it. So, the beautiful jacuzzi, Sauna room and Steam rooms @the Centre Club, will completely do! It's a great down time for me to just sit back, reflect on the week and mostly plan for what the rest of my day will encounter. And, it makes me skin glow like a light bulb. Ultra lush!
That's my Spa Time.
Afterwards, since I had already spent nearly about a couple of hours there, I headed to the one place I can actually find something healthy to eat, besides just making it at home. Sunset Foods. For those who don't know, Sunset Foods is like the North Suburban equivalent of Whole Foods and/or Trader Joe's. Lots of organic, fresh and specialty foods everywhere! The best part to me: the SALAD bar!
Why do I love Salad Bars so much? Because YOU can choose what you want. Choices. That's my favorite word lately. Especially when you've been limited to only a small group of things.
Of course, as all healthy places are, this place does get pricey. But, it's better to spend close to $15 on lunch in here, rather than going to Panera and fooling myself into thinking that what I'm eating there is much healthier. If you want a good shocking look into the nutritional facts about that place, look them up in Calorie King. It's guaranteed to make you stop and want to purge what just ate. Eeks! Either that or go hop on the nearest treadmill for about an hour.
I do recommend making up a nice little incentive for yourself when you start working out. Of course, you're sacrificing all the favorites you had in your repertoire for the sake of your workout routine and/or diet, but, you do need to allow yourself a little 'healthy treat' to make you feel accomplished. Here's mine: a heaping big salad from their salad bar comprised of just lettuce, shredded cheese and mushrooms. And lots of red wine vinegar with a splash of lite Italian dressing. Plus, for some protein, I'm getting a half lb of their delicious Acapulco Tuna Salad that they make in their deli. It's so good and not bad, health wise!! They put very little mayo in it, lemon juice, chopped green onion, chopped tomato, jalapeno and salt & pepper. That's it! So simple, but so delicious and filling!!
My regular treat used to be a Venti Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte, but after learning what's in it (calories, fat), I really didn't feel so skinny anymore. For shame, Starbucks! You had me at hello, but alas, I think I will be sticking to just plain coffee and Iced Tea from you. We had a good run together. Maybe someday, we can hug it out.
I usually start out my Friday by running to the gym to catch my 8:30am Zumba class. For those who don't know, Zumba is an aerobic style dance class that combines salsa, merengue, cumbia, reggaeton, calypso, soca, samba, African, cha cha, hip hop and other types of music. It's a fast paced dance class that seriously gets your heart pumping and moving within the first few minutes of the class. You start out with a good 3-5 minute warm up and then, the instructor begins a series of different routines according to whatever her playlist has going next.
Now, as many of you may know, I think I was the only hispanic person on the face of this earth, who was born without any rhythm. No, seriously, I don't salsa. I don't merengue or mambo. It's kind of sad, but thankfully, that wasn't a requirement my dear husband was looking for in a wife when he decided to make me his wife! Ha ha. Thank god for that!
Well, over the past couple of years since I discovered this little gem of a workout, I have fallen in love, hard, with it! And, I actually now have rhythm!! I can shake my booty and move my hips with, well, the other members of the class. I am in no way ready to go enter a dance contest or even go dance at club, BUT, I do feel very limber and able to say that I DO have some rhythm... MAJOR emphasis on the 'some.'
Usually, after the wonderful 1 hour workout, (did I forget to mention you burn about 700 calories in one class session), I make a beeline for the amazing 'Spa' amenities that my gym has. I call it a 'Spa' because its the closest thing to a Spa I will ever go to, because lord knows I refuse to spend that amount of money for a day of it. So, the beautiful jacuzzi, Sauna room and Steam rooms @the Centre Club, will completely do! It's a great down time for me to just sit back, reflect on the week and mostly plan for what the rest of my day will encounter. And, it makes me skin glow like a light bulb. Ultra lush!
That's my Spa Time.
Afterwards, since I had already spent nearly about a couple of hours there, I headed to the one place I can actually find something healthy to eat, besides just making it at home. Sunset Foods. For those who don't know, Sunset Foods is like the North Suburban equivalent of Whole Foods and/or Trader Joe's. Lots of organic, fresh and specialty foods everywhere! The best part to me: the SALAD bar!
Why do I love Salad Bars so much? Because YOU can choose what you want. Choices. That's my favorite word lately. Especially when you've been limited to only a small group of things.
Of course, as all healthy places are, this place does get pricey. But, it's better to spend close to $15 on lunch in here, rather than going to Panera and fooling myself into thinking that what I'm eating there is much healthier. If you want a good shocking look into the nutritional facts about that place, look them up in Calorie King. It's guaranteed to make you stop and want to purge what just ate. Eeks! Either that or go hop on the nearest treadmill for about an hour.
I do recommend making up a nice little incentive for yourself when you start working out. Of course, you're sacrificing all the favorites you had in your repertoire for the sake of your workout routine and/or diet, but, you do need to allow yourself a little 'healthy treat' to make you feel accomplished. Here's mine: a heaping big salad from their salad bar comprised of just lettuce, shredded cheese and mushrooms. And lots of red wine vinegar with a splash of lite Italian dressing. Plus, for some protein, I'm getting a half lb of their delicious Acapulco Tuna Salad that they make in their deli. It's so good and not bad, health wise!! They put very little mayo in it, lemon juice, chopped green onion, chopped tomato, jalapeno and salt & pepper. That's it! So simple, but so delicious and filling!!
My regular treat used to be a Venti Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte, but after learning what's in it (calories, fat), I really didn't feel so skinny anymore. For shame, Starbucks! You had me at hello, but alas, I think I will be sticking to just plain coffee and Iced Tea from you. We had a good run together. Maybe someday, we can hug it out.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Addicted to the 'Needle'... or, trying not to be.
29 years old and I have a kitchen cabinet full of Prescriptions, Insulin Pen needles, Testing Pen lancets, Test strips and daily vitamin supplements. I'm staring at them in amazement and wondering what the hell other women my age have in their cabinets. Bottles of wine? Special wine glasses? Maybe a few vitamin bottles or two. Contact lens solution? Imagine that kind of paradise... Well, because, that is my idea of paradise right about now.
It's nearing 6:51pm and I'm getting ready to make dinner, but Lord knows what I can have that won't make my blood sugar skyrocket. Luckily, I now have the trusty Calorie King book my nutritionist gave me on my last appointment, to help my count my Carbs and decide. When, in reality, all I am craving right now is a nice little basket of Buffalo Wild Wings. Hmm.. I wonder if they're listed in my book? They probably are, and I probably would have to pump 5 units of Insulin in to cover the carbs that only 1 little bitty wing contains.
Currently, I'm cursed with taking 2 types of shots of Insulin at several times of the day. 1. An extended release type of Insulin that I take once in the morning (20 units) and once at night before bedtime (90 units). The other type if a more rapid release form that I take right before each meal. Those dosages are decided by what my blood sugar number is prior to eating and according to what I will be putting into my mouth during that meal. Yes, I have to plan ahead of time what I will be eating and making sure I'm pumping myself enough Insulin in order to cover whatever I eat. So, let's see. I'm pricking myself an average of 5 times a day with syringes. And, that's not counting whatever snacks I may have, which leads to more Insulin.
Now, on top of that, I am to be testing myself with a needle before and after each meal and keeping record. Welcome to the Life of a Severe Diabetic.
This is not where I imagined I would be a year ago when I had just been prescribed a few shots of extended release Insulin. No big deal. But, unfortunately, it's gotten worse. As my Nutritionist put it, "you are a case of Mature Onset Diabetes at a Young Adult age" In other words, "you have the severity of Diabetes like that of a 60 year old.." Lovely, isn't it?
So, no, kids are NOT an option right now, in case you were wondering. I think that's something much of my family does not understand, since I get plagued with that question every time I see them. I get cornered as I 'ooh' and 'awww' over pictures of friends babies and get interrogated, "so, when are you gonna have babies? you're not getting any younger... what's taking you so long? what are you waiting for?" I can only flash the bravest smile I can cook up within that second the sting hits my face and just answer sheepishly, "oh, we're not ready yet..." I can't bare to look them in the face and confess, "well, ya see, my numbers are all over the place. I may possibly be sterile. Or there's already some Liver damage so, who knows if I'll make it through an entire pregnancy..." What a shock that would bring, huh?
Nick gently holds my hand, rubs my neck or gives me a little nudge, acknowledging the uncomfortable moment that I pass. He knows how hard it is for me to sit there and take the questions in and give some type of answer back. This isn't something I had been planning for on my Wedding day.
The rest of my medications are fillers for whatever other ailments that Diabetes brings on. You know, one for the Cholesterol, one for this, one for that. And it's a pill party.
I'm tired of the needles. I'm sick of pricking my finger 10x's a day. My two test fingers are black and blue from all the pricking. Sometimes it even hurts to tap it on the table or to even hold things for too long. The carb counting is exhausting. If I want to make a Denver Omelet, I have to take into account the eggs, how many, the ham, the vegetables and how many carbs each one totals. Then, figure out how many units I get to inject myself with to cover it all. Oh, and let's not forget the measuring cups/spoons! Gotta do that as well.
This battle has been going on for so long, I don't think I can remember a time when I didn't worry about my drink being diet. I never got to gorge on candy as a kid or raid my trick or treat bag after going. When I was diagnosed at 12, I was just looked upon as some weird animal back then. It wasn't really heard of. And, there wasn't much information out there to help me out. And, of course, to make it even better, no one could figure out which type I was. 1 or 2. Children s Memorial Hospital and Loyola University Hospital had their hands on me for a week full of tests and exams and all I got was a huge hospital stay bill, a 'sorry we can't figure out what you are, but we're not giving you insulin', and 'how about you just lose some weight and lay off anything not diet'. That was it.
Now, I am where I am.
I have been trying for so long to avoid anything starchy. No potatoes. No bread. No rice. No pasta. What else is there to eat?!
Now, I'm told not too many vegetables. Seriously?!?!
And, how about this one... I started working out everyday again. What do they tell me, "be careful how you work out b/c it's quite possible you could pass out mid workout" Gee...thanks for the encouragement to get healthy.
Everything is so difficult and I'm just trying to do the best I can. God knows I've lost my patience. I think I sit down to cry at least once a day. Sometimes I feel like I've failed my body. Like I've let it down to come to the state its in right now. And then, there are the moments where I just get so angry. Why? It's not fair. At all. I don't do drugs. I don't overeat. I don't drink heavily/or go binge drinking. I hardly drink at all. I only started to drink more socially when I moved up here to the Northern Suburbs, but that's a whole other story altogether. The point is, I try. I really do. I look at every label when I shop. I think I spend an average of 2 hours at the store because of that.
Still, the anger and the frustrations is there but I'm trying so hard not to let it show. I try to smile everyday. I say 'hello' and 'thank you' wholeheartedly and am sincere when I tell everyone I see on a daily basis that I hope they have a great day. I'm trying so hard to keep the two fragile sticks that are holding up my smile from giving way to a permanent frown. I pray that the next time I come out of one of my doctors offices, it will be with some good news instead of an instant pang to just jump in my car and burst into tears. Each time I go in for my blood work every 3 months, I shiver and get flustered. I start to joke nervously with the nurse and just say a little prayer as she sticks the needle into my veins.
I'm tired of draining our checking account with my monthly $150 in prescriptions/Diabetic supplies. Thank you health insurance. I love you so much. I don't how I lived all those years without you before. Seriously... I think without, my monthly needs would be close to $900 a month. Still, I feel so guilty. I feel like I'm wasting money on myself. As if, I should have taken so much better care of myself previously, so we wouldn't have to be in this position to have to spend it on this now.
Food. What used to be my only comfort in the past, is now my enemy. I can't run to that beautiful little burger when I have a bad day. I can't munch on popcorn for lunch. Fast food is so not even an option anymore. My thoughts are just consumed every second about this.
I had made myself a goal a couple of months back and I'm trying to stick to. It's the reason I named this Blog Chasing Coco and Di.
Since I learned about who Coco Chanel was when I was young, I have always wanted to own one of her staples. A beautiful Coco Chanel purse. I've had opportunities to get one, but just always felt like I couldn't get it. Something always stopped me. Every year, I save up my money to give myself my treat and buy it when we go to our convention in Las Vegas, but I always back out. Like I said, something stops me.
Now, I think I know why. Nick made me a promise that I am trying so hard to achieve. If/when I do lose my goal weight, I will hopefully be taken off my Insulin shots and much of my medications. With that in mind, Nick has promised me that he would take me to my favorite city in this world, Paris, to finally achieve my biggest dream: to purchase my beloved CHANEL purse from the House of Chanel, where it all began.
I've been saving up every month and I have it set already. The money is waiting for me to just hold up my end of the bargain. I could finally feel like I truly deserve it. I would achieve two of my biggest dreams: getting my CHANEL purse AND conquering Diabetes, once and for all.
So, there is my challenge everyone.
I am stumbling so much on this journey, but I keep catching myself and keep going forward. I know this is the hardest challenge in my life. But, I have my loving husband, my family, my friends and my spirituality helping me along the way.
I know there are going to be so many roadblocks, but I'm willing to jump over the hurdles as best as possible.
It's nearing 6:51pm and I'm getting ready to make dinner, but Lord knows what I can have that won't make my blood sugar skyrocket. Luckily, I now have the trusty Calorie King book my nutritionist gave me on my last appointment, to help my count my Carbs and decide. When, in reality, all I am craving right now is a nice little basket of Buffalo Wild Wings. Hmm.. I wonder if they're listed in my book? They probably are, and I probably would have to pump 5 units of Insulin in to cover the carbs that only 1 little bitty wing contains.
Currently, I'm cursed with taking 2 types of shots of Insulin at several times of the day. 1. An extended release type of Insulin that I take once in the morning (20 units) and once at night before bedtime (90 units). The other type if a more rapid release form that I take right before each meal. Those dosages are decided by what my blood sugar number is prior to eating and according to what I will be putting into my mouth during that meal. Yes, I have to plan ahead of time what I will be eating and making sure I'm pumping myself enough Insulin in order to cover whatever I eat. So, let's see. I'm pricking myself an average of 5 times a day with syringes. And, that's not counting whatever snacks I may have, which leads to more Insulin.
Now, on top of that, I am to be testing myself with a needle before and after each meal and keeping record. Welcome to the Life of a Severe Diabetic.
This is not where I imagined I would be a year ago when I had just been prescribed a few shots of extended release Insulin. No big deal. But, unfortunately, it's gotten worse. As my Nutritionist put it, "you are a case of Mature Onset Diabetes at a Young Adult age" In other words, "you have the severity of Diabetes like that of a 60 year old.." Lovely, isn't it?
So, no, kids are NOT an option right now, in case you were wondering. I think that's something much of my family does not understand, since I get plagued with that question every time I see them. I get cornered as I 'ooh' and 'awww' over pictures of friends babies and get interrogated, "so, when are you gonna have babies? you're not getting any younger... what's taking you so long? what are you waiting for?" I can only flash the bravest smile I can cook up within that second the sting hits my face and just answer sheepishly, "oh, we're not ready yet..." I can't bare to look them in the face and confess, "well, ya see, my numbers are all over the place. I may possibly be sterile. Or there's already some Liver damage so, who knows if I'll make it through an entire pregnancy..." What a shock that would bring, huh?
Nick gently holds my hand, rubs my neck or gives me a little nudge, acknowledging the uncomfortable moment that I pass. He knows how hard it is for me to sit there and take the questions in and give some type of answer back. This isn't something I had been planning for on my Wedding day.
The rest of my medications are fillers for whatever other ailments that Diabetes brings on. You know, one for the Cholesterol, one for this, one for that. And it's a pill party.
I'm tired of the needles. I'm sick of pricking my finger 10x's a day. My two test fingers are black and blue from all the pricking. Sometimes it even hurts to tap it on the table or to even hold things for too long. The carb counting is exhausting. If I want to make a Denver Omelet, I have to take into account the eggs, how many, the ham, the vegetables and how many carbs each one totals. Then, figure out how many units I get to inject myself with to cover it all. Oh, and let's not forget the measuring cups/spoons! Gotta do that as well.
This battle has been going on for so long, I don't think I can remember a time when I didn't worry about my drink being diet. I never got to gorge on candy as a kid or raid my trick or treat bag after going. When I was diagnosed at 12, I was just looked upon as some weird animal back then. It wasn't really heard of. And, there wasn't much information out there to help me out. And, of course, to make it even better, no one could figure out which type I was. 1 or 2. Children s Memorial Hospital and Loyola University Hospital had their hands on me for a week full of tests and exams and all I got was a huge hospital stay bill, a 'sorry we can't figure out what you are, but we're not giving you insulin', and 'how about you just lose some weight and lay off anything not diet'. That was it.
Now, I am where I am.
I have been trying for so long to avoid anything starchy. No potatoes. No bread. No rice. No pasta. What else is there to eat?!
Now, I'm told not too many vegetables. Seriously?!?!
And, how about this one... I started working out everyday again. What do they tell me, "be careful how you work out b/c it's quite possible you could pass out mid workout" Gee...thanks for the encouragement to get healthy.
Everything is so difficult and I'm just trying to do the best I can. God knows I've lost my patience. I think I sit down to cry at least once a day. Sometimes I feel like I've failed my body. Like I've let it down to come to the state its in right now. And then, there are the moments where I just get so angry. Why? It's not fair. At all. I don't do drugs. I don't overeat. I don't drink heavily/or go binge drinking. I hardly drink at all. I only started to drink more socially when I moved up here to the Northern Suburbs, but that's a whole other story altogether. The point is, I try. I really do. I look at every label when I shop. I think I spend an average of 2 hours at the store because of that.
Still, the anger and the frustrations is there but I'm trying so hard not to let it show. I try to smile everyday. I say 'hello' and 'thank you' wholeheartedly and am sincere when I tell everyone I see on a daily basis that I hope they have a great day. I'm trying so hard to keep the two fragile sticks that are holding up my smile from giving way to a permanent frown. I pray that the next time I come out of one of my doctors offices, it will be with some good news instead of an instant pang to just jump in my car and burst into tears. Each time I go in for my blood work every 3 months, I shiver and get flustered. I start to joke nervously with the nurse and just say a little prayer as she sticks the needle into my veins.
I'm tired of draining our checking account with my monthly $150 in prescriptions/Diabetic supplies. Thank you health insurance. I love you so much. I don't how I lived all those years without you before. Seriously... I think without, my monthly needs would be close to $900 a month. Still, I feel so guilty. I feel like I'm wasting money on myself. As if, I should have taken so much better care of myself previously, so we wouldn't have to be in this position to have to spend it on this now.
Food. What used to be my only comfort in the past, is now my enemy. I can't run to that beautiful little burger when I have a bad day. I can't munch on popcorn for lunch. Fast food is so not even an option anymore. My thoughts are just consumed every second about this.
I had made myself a goal a couple of months back and I'm trying to stick to. It's the reason I named this Blog Chasing Coco and Di.
Since I learned about who Coco Chanel was when I was young, I have always wanted to own one of her staples. A beautiful Coco Chanel purse. I've had opportunities to get one, but just always felt like I couldn't get it. Something always stopped me. Every year, I save up my money to give myself my treat and buy it when we go to our convention in Las Vegas, but I always back out. Like I said, something stops me.
Now, I think I know why. Nick made me a promise that I am trying so hard to achieve. If/when I do lose my goal weight, I will hopefully be taken off my Insulin shots and much of my medications. With that in mind, Nick has promised me that he would take me to my favorite city in this world, Paris, to finally achieve my biggest dream: to purchase my beloved CHANEL purse from the House of Chanel, where it all began.
I've been saving up every month and I have it set already. The money is waiting for me to just hold up my end of the bargain. I could finally feel like I truly deserve it. I would achieve two of my biggest dreams: getting my CHANEL purse AND conquering Diabetes, once and for all.
So, there is my challenge everyone.
I am stumbling so much on this journey, but I keep catching myself and keep going forward. I know this is the hardest challenge in my life. But, I have my loving husband, my family, my friends and my spirituality helping me along the way.
I know there are going to be so many roadblocks, but I'm willing to jump over the hurdles as best as possible.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
